It doesn't matter where in the world you come from; the office affair is probably one of the oldest professions of office professionals in every company ever formed. Ever. Why should New Zealand be any different?
According to one of their recent polls, one in 10 NZ workers has had sex with the boss, and three-quarters have had a fling with a colleague. Life is good on the island off Australia, eh, mate?
But we figure that number is sadly a bit higher for us Americans, who have taken the office affair to new heights of rules, regulations, and frankly, head-turning. Many of us meet future spouses at the office, and most office workers will admit they enjoy flirting more than just a little. In fact, for some, flirting with that cute guy or girl down the hall is a reason to come to work every day.
So as helpful as the New Zealander rules may be, Americans needed the benefit of a slightly different viewpoint than our neighbors from way-down-under. So we concocted our own mix of corporate cabals in an effort to help officemates avoid the usual mating messes that occur when working together leads to 'working it' together.
To set the stage, one must remember ... of tantamount importance to a good office affair is the secrecy factor. The idea of "getting caught" has fueled more friction than a good rub across a new carpet. This is especially true if the affair is with a high-level corporate, or worse, government official primarily because of the presence of blessed little devices like video cellphones and camcorders. In fact, recording devices of every kind can be bought as easily as the pack of batteries to run them, so don't forget doors that don't lock, vents that carry sound, speakerphones that don't hang up, underlings that want to get you fired, overlings that want to fire you, and that fat accounting clerk watching your expenses like the money was theirs.
So before you bend over that lovely carved wooden desk, ostensibly to pick up that paperclip you spotted, check out this American Guide to 10 Rules For Avoiding Office Affair Gaffes, or, how not to make an ass of yourself (and make your ass an internet icon):
1. Know The Law
What you may think is a cute little wink and a wiggle may just be a case of caffeine jitters, and not an invitation to jump the conference room table. If you are the recipient of what you perceive to be friendly advances, take your time, take notes, and if possible, take a picture on your cellphone so you can study the body language and see if all systems truly are 'go'. There are ways to test the water, and one of them is the tried-and-true technique of aggressive flirting, which has it's own downfalls, as you can imagine.
2. Flirting In The Office
You have just spent the night (or lunch) with your special friend. Your eyes meet across a crowded conference table, and you both collapse into endearing giggles with knowing glances in each other's direction. Eeewww!!! You must remember, your co-workers can't walk away from your soppy behavior, which makes it all the more nauseating. Stick the soppy stuff in your rucksack until you're alone together. One co-worker I knew was constantly telling the women in the office how good they smell, and how soft their hands are. He was what I call a "serial flirter". Beware of falling for this lothario; they are far more excited by the effect of their own superior flirting skills than they could ever be by yours. Some people live for the hunt, but once the quarry is caught, are easily bored and move on to the next conquest. Don't get caught up in the game.
3. Promotion Prospects Never Pay Enough
Let's face it... If you sleep with the boss, or even their boss, you may be entertaining fantasies of a promotion (to bring you closer) or a new job (to bring you closer). If you are playing dictaphone with an underling -- say, the ever-popular secretary or receptionist scenario -- you may be entertaining fantasies of hot conference getaways and enjoying the satisfaction of knee-bending worship.
Forget all of it. Relationship experts say if you actually do get that promotion, you will not get credit for having gotten the job on your own merit -- just like the ugly guy in accounting has to -- but for the job you did on your boss. If you ARE the boss, be prepared to be talked about like a dog for slumming it and taking advantage of someone "beneath you". If you're married, the gossip fallout will eventually include speculation about your "poor" wife or husband, and all semblance of respect will evaporate. One lady I worked with called her husband's boss to tell him that he had gotten his new secretary pregnant. The guy was humiliated, but the secretary lost her job. That's another nasty truth: the underling always gets the shaft, the boss always skates off to the next office affair.
4. E-Mail Equals E-Hell
There's no business like show business, and if you are sending steamy emails to your current hot prospect, you can bet someone who wasn't intended to see it will. It's just human nature to show off to others how "exciting" and "desirable" we are, and your saliva-laden rantings of "you're so hot" will most assuredly be dragged out for all to see.
Worse, if you have an enemy in the tech department, you can kiss your privacy -- and privates -- goodbye. IT people have the power to check emails you thought were deleted (deleted emails do stay on the central servers, sorry people), and to tag incoming messages before you even see them. They're a lot like the photomat guy... if you think they don't share your stupid pictures with their pals, then by all means, continue submitting those pictures of you with a puppet sock on your "head".
This is an especially touchy situation the higher up the corporate ladder you climb. There will always be someone willing to make a fool of their overlords, and you are no different, it doesn't matter how nice you are or how big the bonuses. So if you can't control yourself and simply must make an ass of yourself sending easily traceable emails, at least remember this:
Check twice before hitting "send", and then check again to make sure there's nothing in there you wouldn't want your wife, husband, mom or dad to read. That should kill about 90% of all your email problems. But still, there are some of you who won't stop sending emails, so remember this: Never hit "reply to all" (does this really need to be said?). Don't work on an email to your heartthrob and on a company email at the same time; if a person's name is in your head (or some other non-work related word), it could accidentally end up in the wrong email. One guy I worked with sent out an email to everyone in the entire company referring to a new financial software program containing a "drilldown" function. However, he wrote that it had a "dildo" function. Wonder what he was doing when he wrote that? Not what we can call a simple typo.
Don't rely on password protection. Email can be read offline without entering a password, so whatever you've read up until the last time you accessed it can be discovered easily by a curious information seeker. Empty all your folders: in, out, sent, deleted, everything... every time you use it.
Hardly seems worth all the effort, does it? That is, until your co-worker walks in your office when you've stepped away, and curiosity drives them to look at your computer screen, where your latest draft is blaring the subject line, "I CAN'T WAIT TO...." Would you be tempted to read it? I thought so.
5. Be Nice To The IT Guys
In addition to the "how stupid are you" email factor, do yourself a favor and do NOT get on the wrong side of the IT people. Software programs are out there that enable them to literally jump on your screen at the exact moment you are conducting a steamy Instant Message session with your amour, composing that titillating email, or buying that sexy lingerie. You make these guys mad, and you will have a website built in your honor. Not only that, but if you are person at some high level in the corporation, they can use it to manipulate or blackmail you if it's juicy enough. Do you really want to hear them snicker every time they come to fix your PC?
6. Avoid Copy Machine Hijinks
We agree with the NZ crowd on this for sure. Do not be tempted to make that old rookie mistake and "do it" on the photocopier, not even as an office party joke. Copy companies have been forced to confront this uncomfortable problem because of an alarming increase in the number of glass breakages that occur due to overzealous workers. A third of Canon technicians report they are frequently called on to fix copiers that have been "sat" on. Don't embarrass yourself like that... remember, copiers make COPIES, and they can get stuck in myriad places inside the machine and others WILL find them. Ditto for sending hot faxes
7. Getting Caught
The idea of getting caught is a great aphrodisiac for some, but for the guy who catches you, it is the gossip bonanza of a lifetime... and likely the end of a job for you. "Gettin' jiggy wid' it" in the supply closet, behind your desk, in an elevator, or even out in your parked car makes you a skank, not a daredevil. Not even your friends will be able to look you in the eye if you're caught doing the pants-around-the-ankles or skirt-around-the-waist trick. Get a grip and wait til after 5 AND after the cleaning people have gone. If you are, however, completely incapable of self-control, then at least lock the door and forward your phone calls. Skank.
8. Lunchtime Or "I Have A Meeting" Trysts
Maybe you are smart enough to know leaving the office together, or racing out every day to run over to their job for a quick hook-up, is eventually going to get noticed. And discussed. Especially if one or both of you is married. Sneaking off with your bunkmate for a round in the car or nearby park leads to wrinkled clothes, flushed faces, bras loosely hanging from the neck, and grass stains on your butt.. all of which are signs of a sex affair gone stupid. Show some discretion and don't be a cliche. Avoid repeating the dumb mistakes of so many before you. If you think the office slugs - old fat married ladies and short ugly guys with coke bottle glasses - aren't noticing your fabulously self-important strut, you are dead wrong. They see it alright, and aren't afraid to talk about it. If you are regularly late getting back and they have to cover for you, prepare to be hated.
9. Only One Affair Per Office
There is a limit to how many office affairs you can engage in without developing a reputation, and that limit is "one". Sleeping with the boss is bad enough, but sleeping with the boss, the accounting clerk, the new sales rep, and the copy repair technician only leads to one thing: the unofficial and rather bitchy title of "pig". And before you leap into a romance with a highly amorous co-worker, find out if they've had previous office affairs. Not a difficult task, people are usually very happy to discuss their observations of who's had sex with who. When you see the fiery look of laughing amusement in their eyes as they relate their tales, you may think twice about taking a chance of getting on that catty list.
10. The Inevitable Breakup
Do not make a scene. If you and your lover have spent months leering at each other, batting your eyelashes at each other in meetings, giggling over private little inside jokes, not-so-discreetly touching each other, and generally acting like two high school kids with an overheated crush, everyone will notice if it suddenly stops. So if your heart gets broken and you never want to see that jerk's face again, you cannot let it show. Do you want everyone who doesn't know to find out? If glare at each other every time there's a company conference call, or don't speak to each other, the entire office atmosphere will become a toxic waste dump.
Say the relationship experts? The only thing you can do is to keep your head down and behave as if nothing has happened. Bite your lip. Then find a nice IT person to fall in lust with; at least you'll know who's looking at your emails.
One last word of advice. If you decide against all better judgment to make a run at your co-worker, conduct your business after business hours. Flirting with fate or flirting with disaster ... either way, if you flirt, you may lose. Whether its your job, your reputation, or your earring under his desk, do yourself a favor -- keep your nose on the work grindstone, and out of each other's paperwork.
(Hat tip to the New Zealanders - nice job, mates!)
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